I was wandering through Walsall the other day (don’t ask) when I noticed that in the middle of the weekend market there was a booth for Palm Reading. The sign promised a shockingly accurate telling of past, present and future by a true Romani. This intrigued me though I couldn’t help but making the terrifying association with this woman:
Well, how can one resist? I’ve never had my palm read and I wondered how accurate she could be. There was also a cue building up of various women who all nodded in conclusion that this woman was “very good.”
I waited for what felt like and eternity before it was finally my turn to go in and see her. She was small woman, probably in her 70s with a table full of crystals and candles. She also had a small heater set up to keep her warm. She seemed nice and quoted me 15 pounds for a half reading and 25 for a full reading. I only had 15, so that was that.
She took my hand and placed a crystal orb on my palm. This effectively served as a magnifying glass (though cooler looking) as she scrutinized my wrinkles and creases.
The below is what the conversation looked like:
Lady: Which one of your parents do you not talk to often?
Me: (pauses) I guess my dad
Lady: Well, you should call him. He misses you.
Me: Ok. (FYI – my dad passed away eight years ago. She didn’t pick up on this)
Lady: You have a big fortune coming to you, but you’ll need to do lots of work first. I see that you work with lots of papers. What do you do for work?
Me: I work in film sales.
Lady: (not listening) I see lots of papers.
Lady: You have an ex boyfriend.
Me: Er, yes.
Lady: He misses you and cares about you still. He will call you and you will think about me being right.
Me: Ok. (We had actually been talking all week, but whatever).
Lady: He was making promises to you that he didn’t keep.
Me: (No response. This was not true)
Lady: Did he ever introduce you to his family?
Me: Yes. I met his dad.
Lady: Did you ever introduce him to your family
Lady: That was very bad of you.
Lady: You need to stop flip flopping with your decisions. You left school too early. That was bad.
Me: Oh? (I completed my BFA in Film years ago. I have no desire to go back).
Lady: Who has been talking to you about property?
Me: No one.
Lady: You have been thinking about property.
Me: (No I haven’t) sure.
Lady: You won’t be at your flat for much longer.
Me: No (our break clause in our lease is up in January. No surprises there).
Lady: You shouldn’t have so many people coming in and out of your flat
Lady: Men coming in and out is no way to find love
Me: (stunned silence)
Lady: And stay away from married men. If they have a ring on their finger it means ‘don’t touch’.
Me: Rings are bad.
Lady: Is there another boy that you’re really good friends with?
Me: I guess my flatmate…
Lady: He has deep feelings for you. You be careful around him.
Me: Ok. (my flatmate and his lovely girlfriend live with me. He’s more like a brother than anything.)
Lady: You should stop wearing such dark clothes. They don’t suit your complexion. Pastels are nicer.
Lady: You should call your parents more. They miss you.
Me: Will do.
Lady: One of your parents lost a relative really recently…
Me: Uh, I don’t think so.
Lady: No grandparents?
Me: They died at least ten years ago.
Lady: Ten years is still recent. Their souls are still around.
Lady: I know you don’t think you’ll have kids and get married, but you will. Your intentions are good, but you won’t be the nicest mother…
Lady: You’re visiting Walsall.
Me: Uh huh.
Lady: You’re visiting family. They don’t want you to leave.
Me: (I was actually trying to research ancestors…so no, I wasn’t visiting anyone).
Lady: You drive?
Me: Yes, but I haven’t for a long time.
Lady: That is very bad of you. You should take it up again.
Lady: You’ll be going overseas soon.
Lady: You’ve been thinking about getting into law.
Lady: I don’t mean being a police officer. I mean being a lawyer.
Me: No I haven’t.
Lady: (nodding) the gypsies see you getting into law.
Me: (no comment).
Lady: You shouldn’t cut your hair again.
Me: (stopped answering most of her questions)
This is where things naturally died down. She mentioned that she has 4 houses. I’m not surprised.
Everything that she said was based on what she saw in front of her: a 25 year old North American female. From this one can assume that I have many questions about romantic partners, education and my career. You can assume that I probably don’t see my family very often, that my grandparents are deceased, that I’ll be going overseas, that I’ve had at least one ex boyfriend and that I may or may not drive.
The things that she was specific about (like my apparent desire to be a lawyer) were completely wrong. The closest thing I can associate this whole experience to is to being stuck in a one way conversation with that grandmother or aunt that no one likes because she’s really mean and judgemental.
I basically just paid 15 quid to an old lady to call me an uneducated whore and a bad daughter (and future bad mother).